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| I checked my phone to see what time it was as I laid in bed...2:59 am. I realized that even though it was already 3 in the morning, I would be awake for at least another 30 minutes. Trying to force myself to sleep, I kept moving around in my bed attempting to find just the right position to fall asleep in. As I struggled with that, my mind started to join in and before I knew it a hundred different thoughts flooded my mind. As I would start to think about one thing, I would try to think about another so I wouldn't think about the other. I was trying to figure out issues I was having with a project that I was attempting to finish up and why it was so difficult. I was so far in that I HAD to figure out a solution...I wouldn't accept giving up. I still am not accepting it. I then told God that "I didn't ask to be consumed with thoughts," then requested, or more so begged, that He quiet my mind and let me sleep. This went on for about 30 to 40 more minutes.
Basically, from 2:59 this morning up to now, Sunday evening. I have come to realize that I am burnt out. I'm emotionally, mentally, and almost physically, burnt out. I'm exhausted. This morning to mid afternoon, I felt numb. I did my best to hide it while at church, and do the usual "Lisa routine," but as soon as I walked out the doors and to my car, I became zombie-like. I felt nothing, no thoughts ran through my mind, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to do anything. After getting home and taking a little breather (aka a nap) and spending time with my family to get my mind off of the fact that I was exhausted, I started to feel human again. However, I am still feeling numb and burnt out. But I feel better about it. I realized that even though I'm burnt out and exhausted, the reasons why I am are more than worth it.
Those thoughts led me to another string of interesting and enlightening encouraging thoughts. At this moment, I am more encouraged about my future than I have been in a long time. What has made me emotionally and mentally exhausted is a huge part of what I want to make my future about. I want to go to school for it, I want to make a career out of it, I want to do it for friends and family, even friends of friends, I want to use it for God's glory. I want to be serious about it. I want to be committed to it. I have come to realize that I have a huge interest in computer graphics and video production. I knew I liked it, but not until tonight did I realize just how much I liked it. As of right now, I really see an amazing future for me in this field, both in school and in a career.
I was talking to a very good friend of mine for a brief amount of time earlier, but in those few minutes, God revealed a lot to me about various things. Through the conversation, I was encouraged about my future with school, my future with church, my future with God using me in people's lives at school. I even mapped out a miniature outline of what the next couple years might look like for me in a few areas of my life.
So, after all of this and listening to what God has to tell me, I decided I was going to sit down and talk with God and tell Him what I thought. Have you ever been told my people "God is going to use you in amazing ways" or "I really can see God using you for big things" ? Well, I've been told that before and have been thankful to those that believe that, but I have never really and truly believed it myself. I would always be like "Yeah, it'd be sweet for God to use me in some thing big, but I don't think He actually will. He'll probably use me in a few small ways, but that's about it." Well, as I was talking I found myself saying that I really and truly believe that He IS going to use me incredibly in the years to come. After I said it, I found myself in silence. "Did I really just say that?" I thought to myself. To most, this may seem to be not a big deal, but to me it was huge...even a little emotional. As I told God again what I believed, I found myself sort of short of breath. It was in that moment that I began to fully believe that God is going to use me for big things and in amazing ways. I'm not afraid to sound conceited about the matter, because I am more than proud to say and trust that God is going to use me in huge ways and I am ready for it.
Now my plan is....is to pray continually for God's direction in every area in my life; pray for guidance on how to be an example and light to those around me in any given situation; pray for the lives and hearts of others; pray for those who don't yet know Christ and for their salvation; pray for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to keep pressing on and fighting the good fight to reach the world for Him. With all of this, I am also going to continue and try my hardest in living out the life that God wants me to live. I want to put my words, thoughts, prayers and hopes into Action.
For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory. The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control." Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him! Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!
Psalm 32:7-11 | | |
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Well, the update that had taken way too long to be...(I apologize for that, by the way) and because of that, I'll give you the full blown update on all sorts of areas in my life...
I'll start off by saying that I signed a lease on a one bedroom apartment for next year. So, I've basically forced myself to stay in Eau Claire for at least one more year. The lease starts in June, so unfortunately I'll be paying rent when I'm not even living there. However, I do plan on going out to stay whenever work allows me to...and visitors are always welcome, so don't be surprised if I ask you to come along with me sometime this summer.
Speaking of work, I just got a job at Brackett's Crossings Country Country Club out in Lakeville. Definitely an answered prayer! I'll be working with the Golf Services side of things and will be doing what they call "Golf Operations" (or something like that). As far as what I'll be doing, that depends on what shift I work. But basically I'll be cleaning clubs, cleaning out carts, taking care of the driving range, helping members get their clubs and carts ready before their tee time, and the biggest thing I'll be doing is interacting with the members, making sure they're good to go. I'll be outside basically all day every day, so that is amazing! I also get to golf for free (a $50 value) on certain days during the week, and am allowed to bring a friend...so if you'd like to come, I'm accepting applications starting next week  just kidding
Back to school...I recently just changed my major to graphic design to make it official. I would start taking classes for my major starting next fall. If you noticed, I said "would" and not "will", this is because the program at UWEC is not what I thought it would be. I thought it would be like that of DCTC or MCTC with just a little more emphasis since it's a 4 year university. However, it's not like that and I'm not sure if I want to pursue the degree course that UWEC has for graphic design majors. Soooo, now I'm looking into changing my major yet again! Woohoo! Yeah, not really that excited about it, but what can you do? I'm looking to change my major to something that is not only offered at other colleges/universities, but a major that I obviously like and would be able to use easily after I finish college (which I'm hoping to do in the next 10 years, ha).
So, despite all of this major changing I will still be at UWEC for at least one more year. After next year, however, there's a good chance I'll be coming back to Minnesota. This is where it gets tricky, this is where I would rather verbally discuss the matter rather than typing it. First off, I really believe that UWEC is just a weird school. I don't really know how to explain it, but for me, this school is just...weird. Don't get me wrong, the campus is beautiful and the people...wow, the people are more than amazing, but education-wise, it's just not what wakes me up in the morning. You know how you have those feelings where you just know something isn't right? I have that feeling when it comes to Eau Claire. I know I need to just do the darn thing and ride it out, which is what I've been and am still trying to do, but I really don't see myself finishing out here. I was back and forth for awhile when it came to staying here for another year, but ultimately I felt that God wanted me here for the next year. I know the feeling of being pulled back and forth, and one day feeling you should do one thing and the next day feeling you should the other. And as of right now, I really feel like I'm going to end up back in MN before I finish school. Now, of course that can change, I'm well aware of that. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and I'll be here until I'm done with school and maybe even find a job here. So, that said, I do know that just because I "feel" a certain way, it doesn't mean that I'm right.
There's just some thing about Minnesota though, that rubs me the right way. Whenever I come home for the weekend, it's like falling in love all over again. The atmosphere, the scenery (or lack thereof), the people, the memories, it's just a good-feeling place to be. I also feel refreshed spiritually when I come home. Which brings me to my next topic of update. Since I've been at Eau Claire, it's been hard to get involved with a church here or a church group on campus. I have been to IV a few times and The Edge once...neither really clicked. I also have been to Cedarcreek Community Church on a few different Sundays, which has been pretty good. When it comes to fellowship, I don't have the easiest time jumping in head first and opening up to people. That could be a reason why I find it difficult to do more than just attend church on Sundays. Currently, I feel that between EC and MN, God wants me in EC for a few different reasons. Although, it may be more uncomfortable, harder, and more of a challenge when it comes to my faith, it's best. I feel like, right now, I can be used more here than I can back home. I have a great opportunity to share my faith and let people in on how just awesome God is. Granted, I'm not always the best at it and I tend to make mistakes from time to time, I feel like I can still be used in my friend's lives here in EC. I know I may not succeed in leading my friends here to Christ, but I know that I can at least make an impact. At times it's a huge challenge, simply because I am living with these people...they see my strengths, my weaknesses, they see me and maybe know me more than some people back home. Therefore, it's more of a challenge, for example, than just having a "I love Jesus" bumper sticker on a car for people to maybe see. At times it's hard to deal with when it comes to talking about, because I feel like not many people really understand what it's like to be in that much contact with people who don't know Christ. I could very well be mistaken, but that's just how I feel. Anyway, one thing I have definitely noticed is the just how important fellowship is. I think that is why I feel so refreshed when I go home, I have that fellowship again, even if it's for just 2 days. A HUGE thing, however, that I have let Satan lie to me about for the past 6.5 months is how I have been distancing myself from God and basically telling me that I suck at life when it comes to my relationship with God. It wasn't until this morning when I realized that I have been believing this lie since I've been at UWEC. This morning, God revealed the truth to me and it was...well...amazing. He showed me that my walk with Him hasn't really changed (which isn't necessarily good, but I'll get to that in a bit) since I've been in Eau Claire. Since I've been here, I was always telling myself that I have sucked when it comes to my walk with God and I have been a complete failure, pretty much. In reality, all along, this was satan telling me these lies. I have just chosen to believe them for the past 6.5 months. Now there's probably a good amount of reasons why I've believed these lies, but I won't get into that. If anything, my relationship with God has gotten better since I've been here. I have had to rely and depend on Him much more than I have in the past. The part where our relationship hasn't really changed is when it comes to me and getting into the Bible and journaling/reflecting. This is something I have always struggled with for years, and I just felt the need to believe that since I was in EC and continuing to struggle with it, I was a failure. Which isn't true! I know I need to be more disciplined in this area, but this is something that I have been working at long before I even came to EC. I have also experienced (multiple times) God use satan's lies and me believing them in a positive way, and that has been huge as well. The most recent lie I have believed is one that satan disguised very well. I believed that before I could reach out to the people here and be an example to them in Christ, I had to figure my life out with Him first. Looks good, right? Seems like a legitimate thought/idea, which I'm sure it could be, but not in my case in this moment. I believe that satan used this lie to hold me back from trying to be the light that I could be, and also to use it to make me get down on myself and have me believe that if I couldn't figure my own walk out, I must have problems. So not true. It worked for a good amount of time, but God finally got tired of me believing it and just threw the truth in my face, and I am so thankful for that. So yes, I do make mistakes and slip up here and there, but I did that when I was at home too. Being in EC has caused me to rely on God more than I have ever had to, and it's been hard, oh has it been hard...but it's for the best and it's slowly but surely molding me into the woman He wants me to be. All I have to do is obey and obey some more. It's going to continue to be tough and satan is going to try and tell me more lies and bring me down, but by God's everlasting grace, I know I can make it and come out just fine.
Wow, okay I think that's good for an update...yeah? If not, you can just call me and I'll fill in the rest 
For those that actually read all of this...good job, that's impressive...haha, and thanks.
Cling tightly to your faith in Christ, and always keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result their faith has been shipwrecked.
1 Timothy 1:19
Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's goof, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 | | |
| It's been 137 days since I joined xanga...neat.
Well, the Eau C is pretty neat...more so living on campus, not the actual city. With 27 friends on Facebook, I'm well on my way to 400 I have a class wih 292 students in it, and that may or may not be ridiculous. My walking class is a good time, I already have a "walking buddy" if you will...and we basically just make comments that result in one or both of us laughing... Nate basically lives on 10th floor South, which he may as well because most, if not all, of his friends are up here. Next semester there is a chance that I'll be moving to the on-campus apartments with my roommate and the two girls across the hall...that should be a good time; the 4 of us definitely compliment eachother. There's a possibility that I might be joining a co-ed soccer team tomorrow, but I don't know for sure. I learned yesterday that I really enjoy raquetball, and that I want to play it at least once a week. The Edge is mediocre, Rob Gerber is nice to listen to, but the rest is kind of...eh.
In other AMAZING news, I discovered today that I will be able to watch the Carolina Panthers on TV 4 times this season. 4 times!
This Friday, myself, Nate, Andrew and Kiersten will be coming home for the weekend...so that should be nice.
Well J-Me, I hope this update was good enough for you | | |
| There are so many things going on...going on around me, going on in my mind, things I have to take care of...
With everything that's going on I find myself pushing things that I should be thinking about aside...one thing, for instance, my future...lately I've been struggling (well, when I think about it) with what to do with my education...am I going to school for the right major? I know you can always change your major, but the ideas I might want to change my major to aren't offered at Eau Claire...part of me wants to take the easy way out and just assume I should stick with communications and stay with Eau Claire...the tough part about it is, is that I know I should pray about it and see what God wants for me or where He might want me, but I keep forgetting...so in this case, I need to pray that I remember to pray for my educational future, which in turn leads to my career future...I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of interested to see what God has in store for me...there are so many possibilities...I could work for a major ad agency, I could own or work for a landscape architecture company, I could be a stay at home wife/mom, I could die before I even finish college...I mean the possibilities!!!
Okay, that's that...I was glad to read (on Mary's xanga) that Jessica and Kathy made it home safely, praise God for that | | |
| What an interesting week...
(most interesting in blue)
Monday, I stabbed my hand at work with my utility knife, bled like crazy, went to the doctor, got a tetanus shot, took a pee test, glued up my cut.
Tuesday, I miss work due to the fact that they didn't have my pee test results back, I get paid for not working, went to Sears to visit the old co-workers/friends, had one of the best times seeing everyone again, bought a lightbulb from Casey for the fridge, took a nap, watched an interesting but decent (sort of) movie with J-Me, found out some bad/sad news about a friend of mine (Shawn).
Wednesday, I went back to work from the result of me not being on drugs, didn't cut my hand, but did hit the back of my head on the dust collector, talked to Josh about the up-to-date news on Shawn.
Thursday (today), I get my housing information from Eau Claire, find out that my room is on a co-ed my door floor (my next door neighbors will be guys...interesting), e-mail my new roommate, search my new roommate on Facebook to find out she's a crazy liberal who parties a lot, check my e-mail later to find out that my new roommate is not going to UWEC this fall, then wonder who my new roommate will really be, work 8 whole hours without injuring myself , get pulled over on my way home from work because my brother's headlight is out, dinked around with a few switches to discover the solution to the one headlight problem.
So, now I'm just wondering what Friday and Saturday has in store for me...
That's about it... | | |
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